I recently had an event happen in my life that really made me take a real, deep, hard look at myself. Of course, I’m always trying to better myself, but sometimes, you need a pivotal event to happen for you to really put things into perspective. This was definitely one of those events.
We all make mistakes, and looking at the situation I was in, we could have all done things differently. But sometimes, we aren’t thinking clearly and we don’t use our better judgment. That leads us to do stupid, idiotic things. It also, most of the time, affects our relationships. For me, I hold the relationships in my life as top priority. I always need to work at it and spend more time with the people I care about, and there is a near and dear place in my heart for them. I just wish that I wasn’t such a workaholic and I would take a step away for a while. But that’s not what this is about.
Things were said, actions were taken, bad thing after bad thing kept happening, and here we are. Feelings of loss, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, etc. are all coming into play. At least for me. And in most of these situations, there generally isn’t a voice a reason. What’s worse with this is that there was a person of reason. The one person who had their head on straight, the one person who really had all of our best interests at heart, wasn’t listened to. It seriously hurts when I think about it. In my mind, this person is owed the biggest apology. And to that person, I am truly, completely, with all my heart, sorry.
But I also have to think about the people that I felt wronged me. Despite the anger and sadness that I felt, I did NOT do everything right and they deserve an apology from me as well. It just really sucks when you realize that you weren’t at your best. You were responsible for hurting someone else. You were responsible for causing the problem. You were responsible for this mess. It’s a hard thing to swallow.
But part of the mending process is forgiveness. Not only forgiving others, but forgiving yourself. So shit happens. You can’t change it, but you can try to mend it. You take the necessary actions to make it right, then you figure out how to move on. But it takes time. It doesn’t just happen. And the most important thing is that you can’t let stubbornness get in the way. Admit and accept when you’re wrong. You can’t control others’ actions, but you can control yours. Be a good person and do what you need to do, as hard as it may be.
And in the midst of all these bad things, there is good. I had a friend who was willing to stand by me every step of the way, despite the messy situation at hand. And I also learned about some of the things that I really need to work on. If I didn’t have this experience, then I would not be as acutely aware of them as I am now. If there’s anything I have learned about bad situations, it is that there is always some sort of blessing in disguise. Try to find it next time you’re faced with an unpleasant situation.
With that being said, I really want to try and be better with my relationships in the new year. I want to spend more time with a friend I only see once a month for dinner. I want to have girls night with my ladies on a more consistent basis. I want to take a step back and think about the things I say before I say them. I want to not let my personal issues affect my communication with the closest person in my life. I want to spend more time with family. And I want to mend the situation that I was directly involved in that resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and conflict.
So, New Year, let’s make it a good year. I don’t need resolutions to work on myself, but you know what they say, timing is everything.
Cheers and good luck,